Entering the Lion's Den

I was a crier. I've always wanted to be the type of person who was stronger, who could be more professional. I don't cry at Hallmark commercials (anymore), but when pushed and pushed my body expresses frustration in salt water.

So when I went to pack the rest of my office I was determined to be strong and walk in with my head held high. After all, by their own reasoning, I was a fine employee who contributed greatly during her time with the company. It's interesting how our bodies often betray our mental state. If I've learned anything from past break-ups and disappointments its that tear ducts cannot be reasoned with.

When I first arrived, I had a moment in the lobby when I thought I might tear up. I took a deep breath and thought of the saying that comes to mind when I need to find my inner strength. That sounds so zen, but its possibly one of the silliest things that my mind has grabbed onto. It goes like this:

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.

Its the litany against fear, the incantation used in Dune to calm your mind in times of peril.

I've never even read Dune, so I can't even hide behind a sci-fi kink. I just came across David Lynch's movie late one night and saw the scene were Paul's hand is in the fire. At that point in my life my ex-boyfriend/ first love was coming into my work routinely with a new girl. I used it to focus my attention when I was caught off guard by their presence. From years of use its became the go-to internal dialogue for personal strength.

I ran into a few coworkers who were surprised to see me and we had awkward conversation. Some voiced their disbelief, while others just wished me well. These were stolen moments - quick asides in their otherwise busy day.  It had only been a week, but life had gone on without me. It would have been something to cry about if I was still the type of person who did that kind of thing.