When I read it, I was really irritated by the writers ignorance of what she was actually saying. So I went directly to the source. Here is a tidbit of my email exchange with Maura Kelly.
Hi Maura,
I'll be honest, when I first read of your article I was livid. I was ready to write you off as the worst type of person. But while so much is focused on the outrage of your thoughts on overweight people, I think the biggest issue that you really provoked is the ugly way that overweight women are directly attacked.
Your first thought is probably that it wasn't directed specifically at women, but let me explain.
King of Queens, Average Joe, According to Jim, Grounded for Life, Charlotte on Sex in the City, any Judd Apatow movie. Fat or unattractive men are a fixture of TV and film, so Mike and Molly isn't the first time you've probably seen (or been told) of an overweight person kissing, or snuggling or getting their fat rolls all a flutter- it's just one of the few times that the woman has been of equal size, and that's the real crime, isn't it? You're argument wasn't that the actress playing playing Molly should be encouraged to be healthier- it was that she shouldn't be seen or successful until she is. What an interesting concept if your thoughts were that Mike and Molly offers a great opportunity to show two overweight people can be funny, be lovable and maybe overtime have each other for support in their weight loss.
But it's not your fault. It's your editor's. Who assigns someone with a history of anorexia to discuss obesity? Did no one think you may be negatively biased given your own experience with body issues? Can you imagine if your insecurities had manifested in a way that caused you to overeat rather than under eat? I'm not downplaying your pain, it's just not that far from the demons many of us struggle with in regards to weight.
You are not the first person to ever tell someone they shouldn't be fat - that's not what is causing the outrage. You are the latest in a long, long line of people telling millions of American women that they are not good enough to be loved because of it. That is a message all girls, skinny and fat, have received over and over since we were very young. It's a deplorable message, and it's one that damages you in a way that no amount of exercise or healthy eating will help. And that is what you should really be apologizing for.
I've been overweight all my life and have lost significant weigh 3 times in my life, only to slip back up again. And if you ever wish to look at weight from another's perspective - I'd be happy to be a resource. I think we could have some interesting discussions on the topic.
Thank you for reading,
Mrs. Carlson
I was happily surprised to find her reply in my inbox a few days later.
Dear Mrs. Carlson-Thanks for your polite email; I really appreciate that you have communicated with me.
I really never meant for anyone to assume that I think all people don't deserve love--we all do, of course. I also never imagined people would take what I said so personally--and would be so hurt by it; I think that is partly because I didn't understand how much shame and pain overweight people feel and how badly they are treated. Now, I understand a lot more.
I do think you're right that this is something of a gender issue--although for whatever it's worth, the image I had in my head when I was talking about being uncomfortable seeing an extremely obese person walking across the floor was of a man who could barely walk, who had been eating plates and plates of fried food, and drinking soda after soda. He's like many people I've seen in other parts of the country, and it's hard not to wonder if people who are eating that way know how bad that is for their health. I know losing weight can be such a struggle--but I've heard this week from many formerly obese and obese people who have begun to lose weight who say they're glad that I've helped to get the message that change is possible. I'm sorry to hear you've tried 3 times--I know it can be tough in ways that I don't completely appreciate, and I know some people can't take it off or keep it off. But it also seems like so many Americans aren't trying at all, and as someone who has always felt empowered whenever I've been able to change certain things about myself that are unhealthy, I've been puzzled by that.
I'm truly sorry I hurt you, and hurt so many other people.-Maura
She had listened, but I'm not quite sure she understood.
Hi Maura,
First, Thank you not just for reading, but for taking the time to write back. I'm actually quite impressed with how you have handled yourself given the attention you must be receiving. Your response actually helps me better understand where you were coming from. I don't want to berate you - but I did want to share just a few thoughts that became clear as I read your email.
- It's important that you've made the distinction between someone who is "fat" and someone who is obese or severely overweight.
I think think the landmine that you hit is that in our society, no matter where you land on the BMI scale, anything above skinny is considered unattractive. Think of this, the guys and gals of 'Jersey Shore' will be getting along just fine with each other, but when one of the boys gets mad, one of the first places he goes is that the girl is fat - even if he was trying to get in her pants right before he said it. (Of course, I'm not using JS as a control group for civility). My point is that the minute anyone wants to belittle a female, they go right to the fat comments, whether they are a size 6 or a size 16. Being unattractive is actually the worst. So even though your comments may have been directed at the raise in obesity, it hit the nerve in people that are 130 lbs or 160 lbs, or any of us who have been deemed "fat" whether we are obese or not.
- Call it semantics, but I haven't "tried" to loose weight three times in my life as you said - I "succeeded" in losing weight. And unknowingly to you, that simple change of words took away all my hard-work, hours in the gym and pride in doing so. See, unlike a college education or career development, weight loss isn't something that once you reach a specific level it can't be lost. What if your goal in life as a reporter was to win a Pulitzer for your work. It's something that you will work hard for and struggle to achieve, right? But what if that's not enough? what if you have to write a Pulitzer-worthy piece with every assignment or they will strip you of your award, tell you your writing sucks and mean it. Would you be able to handle living like that? would it get to you? Would it affect how you feel about yourself? your work? maybe sometimes it feels out of reach and you stop trying for a while? I too feel empowered to take control of my life and be the person I want to be. I've woken up plenty of days wanting nothing more than to succeed at eating healthy and going to the gym, but one day does not a Pulitzer make. Some days I have other things I need to focus on - my marriage, my career, my sanity.
- Finally, I really hope you take this opportunity to change the discussion. I don't eat deep fried donuts or 1000 calorie bacon burgers. I eat salads, and baked chicken and sometimes I have chocolate. Maybe the conversation should be why the average American can't maintain a diet that allows them to stay at a healthy weight? Why if obesity is a health issue there aren't more insurance programs that cover gym memberships or nutrition therapy? How many processed foods have a caloric intake are disproportionate to the caloric cost of digesting those foods (HFCS)? Have that conversation, and don't worry about Mike and Molly. That show won't be on very long because it's not funny, not because their overweight.
Best, Mrs. Carlson
I stand by my Mike & Molly prediction.
